10-16-07
Hey it's me again,
Me and Nik had a little talk last nite. She's was worried about me taking the five classes and working full-time and trying to establish the brand. She says that "if anybody can do it, you can", but something in her voice let me know that she needed some reassurance; it kinda wavered. She said when she hugs me that I feel "distant" and "unsure". I can't front, sometimes I feel alone, I mean I know she's there, but I've felt that way my whole life so it's nothing new to me. I don't know, I try my best to let her know I'm alright, but she can see the stress and fatigue. It's nothing really, I'll rest when I acheive my goals; til then I'm grinding. She also mentioned something about a baby, and I must've gave her a look of horror, because she quickly told me she wasn't pregnant. I mean if she was, I'm here and I would handle my business and take care of her and the baby, but the thought is, ummm....terrifying, to say the least. She told me I need not worry because "even if I was, I would get an abortion", and I guess the look before was no match for the contortion my face presented to her this time because she looked at me like the Jaws theme music was playing. I think it was the casualness and ignorance in her voice that made me react that way or maybe it was that I began to mourn the loss of something that wasn't. I asked why and she said "it wasn't the right time", to which I responded "It'll never be the right time" and informed her to "research the topic". She did, and informed me that same nite to "pick up some of them thangs" (thangs=condoms), I had to laugh, because I knew she couldn't believe how she responded earlier. That emotional damage never goes away, and the physical rollercoater isn't anything to sneeze at either. We agreed about not making our future the past before it gets here. The poems really made me think that somebody feels the way I feel sometimes (maybe not all at once); and that we just gotta keep on going until we can't. I gotta let Nik know that she has nothing to worry about, but I think she's starting to understand that I'm gonna be hard on myself until I'm established and thriving. She's a strong woman and I'm glad she's my right hand because "Nobody, but nobody can make it out here alone". I pray she won't worry so much anymore, hopefully the creator will grant me that. It'll all be worth it when I have that Inc. added to the name. Well, until next time....
Peace & Love,
James
P.S.- I gotta take a vacation!!!
Poetry
The Mother
by Gwendolyn Brooks
Abortions will not let you forget.
You remember the children you got that you did not get,
The damp small pulps with a little or with no hair,
The singers and workers that never handled the air.
You will never neglect or beat
Them, or silence or buy with a sweet.
You will never wind up the sucking-thumb
Or scuttle off ghosts that come.
You will never leave them, controlling your luscious sigh,
Return for a snack of them, with gobbling mother-eye.
I have heard in the voices of the wind the voices of my dim killed
children.
I have contracted. I have eased
My dim dears at the breasts they could never suck.
I have said, Sweets, if I sinned, if I seized
Your luck
And your lives from your unfinished reach,
If I stole your births and your names,
Your straight baby tears and your games,
Your stilted or lovely loves, your tumults, your marriages, aches,
and your deaths,
If I poisoned the beginnings of your breaths,
Believe that even in my deliberateness I was not deliberate.
Though why should I whine,
Whine that the crime was other than mine?--
Since anyhow you are dead.
Or rather, or instead,
You were never made.
But that too, I am afraid,
Is faulty: oh, what shall I say, how is the truth to be said?
You were born, you had body, you died.
It is just that you never giggled or planned or cried.
Believe me, I loved you all.
Believe me, I knew you, though faintly, and I loved, I loved you
All.
From A Street in Bronzeville by Gwendolyn Brooks, published by Harper & Brothers. © 1945 by Gwendolyn Brooks. Used with permission. All rights reserved
Alone
by Maya Angelou
Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Destiny
by Rosario Castellanos
Destiny
We kill what we love. What’s left
Was never alive.
No one else is close. What is forgotten,
What else is absent or less, hurts no one else.
We kill what we love. Enough of drawing a choked breath
Through someone else’s lung!
There is not air enough for both of us. And the earth will not hold
Both our bodies
And our ration of hope is small
And pain cannot be shared.
Man is an animal of solitudes,
A deer that bleeds as it flees
With an arrow in its side.
Ah, but hatred with its insomniac
Glass eyes; its attitude
Of menace and repose.
The deer goes to drink and a tiger
Is reflected in the water.
The deer drinks the water and the image. And becomes
-before he is devoured – (accomplice, fascinated)
his enemy.
We give life only to what we hate.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
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3 comments:
hello James,
I really enjoyed reading your response, almost poem. I did laugh out loud and I think you were very creative because it was your personal creation, and your own, real feelings. I liked very much. I also lol when you said you needed a vacation. I think you have a great sense of humor.
Hi James,
I'm happy for you that you have someone by your side and she understand you well. We all need vacation. Until then, work hard and achieve whatever we are hoping for.
Hey up there,
Thanks for the comments. I'm glad y'all enjoyed the post. It was a good to be able to release. It's been a struggle these past couple of months, and this assignment helped me vent...P.S.- I still need that vacation.
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